Two Steps Back?

One step forward… two steps back.  That’s how I feel… time and time again.  I had a major setback today, but hopefully it is just a little bump in the road and I’ll be back on track tomorrow.  Don’t know exactly what’s going on and no guesses at what is even to blame.  I felt “rough” all morning, but that just got progressively worse as the day wore on.  I wound up taking a late nap this evening and since Kaden had been whiney the majority of the day, I stuck him in with me.  We both passed slap-out and stayed out quite a few hours.  Too many hours, most likely, because now I feel even worse.

Let me see if I can put into words how I’m feeling…

I feel like I’m the only “real” object in the world and everything around me is some sort of surround-viewing TV screen.  Better yet, I’m in that movie “Lawnmower Man” with a virtual reality helmet on.  Those hands I see reaching out are my hands, but the things they touch seem more a figment of my imagination than true objects.

My muscles are not relaxing as they should.  For instace, I tried to push the covers off my feet with my right foot and the muscles in my arch tensed up and would not release.  It wasn’t a crampy spasm like we all sometimes get, though.  I should be thankful for that at least, huh?  And my feet aren’t the only body parts having this problem.  My legs are the worst!  A simple walk from one room to the other tightens my muscles up so much that it seems they could snap at any moment.  

On top of that, I’m stiff as a board!  Popping and cracking like some 90 year old with arhritis from head to toe.  Oh wait… I practically do have arthritis head to toe, ha, ha.  Lets see… the rash is coming back, I’m having trouble swallowing again, my headache is teetering between bad and unbearable, my eyes and mouth are extremely dry again, and I have absolutely no ambition or get-up-and-go or whatever you want to call it.  

Dramatic change from yesterday to today!  Yesterday, I was feeling so good I actually got caught up on some neglected chores and STILL felt like getting out of the house for a while.  Of course that makes me have to ask myself if I over did it, but not even once yesterday did I feel like I was having to “push” myself.   

I got so down and overwhelmed today that I called and cancelled my appointment with the shrink tomorrow.  I knew taking a late nap would mean Kaden would be up half the night and that would mean dragging him out of bed with little to no sleep and then having to contend with him the remainder of the day.  My appointment was at 9 a.m. and I’m never up and “about” much before that.  The idea of getting up extra early was just too much, if that makes sense.  I’ll probably regret that decision if I wake up feeling better tomorrow, but that’s a gamble I was willing take.  There’s just no reasoning with myself when I’m like this.